Bear Hunt

We’re goin’ on a bear hunt. Repeat.

We’re gonna catch a big one. Repeat.

Ohhhhhh no.

We got diagnosed with breast cancer.

Can't go over it. Repeat.

Can’t go under it. Repeat.

Can’t go arrroooooouuuunnnd it. Repeat.

Gotta go through it.

Through it.

Ugh. But through it is so hard. I’ve been looking for a shortcut, but my path seems to only grow longer. More cancer than originally thought. Faster growing than originally thought. We got all the cancer out, but it reached your lymph node. Grrr. We thought maybe you could avoid chemo, but you can’t. The original 3-5 weeks of radiation? Nah, we’ll give you 6+. 

I’ve never done anything half-way, so why start now? Oh, you wanna cancer? Let’s CANCER!

Chemo starts Friday, 7:30 a.m. I’m within my last 48 hours ever of being able to say, I’ve never had chemo. 

Everybody asks, how are the kids? I want so badly to shield them from all this. I’m trying so hard to keep their lives as normal as possible. But then, there are these little reminders. I’m not doing this alone. I can’t fight this alone. 

My son has been waiting for his Buffalo Bills athletic headbands to arrive. Checking the mailbox daily. We’re in the car yesterday when he proudly announces, “Mama, I got one that supports cancer, and I’m going to wear that one to basketball on Saturday because you’re getting chemo on Friday.” Then he immediately returns to talking about LEGO he wants to build and a dragon he drew at school.

My daughter has late start for school on Wednesday mornings, so we often go to our local bagel shop before I drop her off. This morning’s discussion, “So, when will you start losing your hair?” I told her probably in a week or so. “I want to go with you to pick out a wig.” So, we continued our breakfast looking online at wig options and planning our wig-search-mommy-daughter date.

Kids are resilient. I just wish they didn’t have to be. 

It’s crazy how quickly our goals can change. That bear we’re hunting. Whatever bear I find at the end of all this, I will appreciate it more, I think, because I went through it.