Too Close

As a military spouse, I have spent the majority of my adult life feeling as if I wear a sign that reads, “don’t get too close.” Don’t get too close because I will leave you. Every two or three years (and we’ve had two one-year assignments), we move. And if you plant those roots too deep, it’s that much harder to dig them out and go.

So don’t get too close.

But I seem to have broken this rule. The sign has gone missing. Or perhaps breast cancer just removed the “don’t” from the sign that now reads “get too close.”

I’ve always been independent. My mom says I was born with my eyes wide open, looking around the delivery room, like, ok, now what? Let me explore. I’ve never been warm and cuddly. I hate to ask for help.

Breast cancer has changed me. Independent? Always. But the wall is down. Help me. Hug me. The support is abundant and loud. And as they say, I’m here for it.

When I lost my hair and started wearing headscarves, I could no longer hide. Now I feel like I lead with cancer. This makes me mad sometimes, but it has also shown me the love that surrounds me.

From my family and friends who’ve sent gifts and continue to reach out, my dad who’s dropped everything and flown to CA (twice), my milspo sisters who’ve brought my family food, my co-workers who send support, former strangers at church who have asked my name so they can pray for me more directly, my mother-in-law’s Prayer & Share group who sends me cards regularly, the woman in the next pew over who thought to bring me a catalog because it has pretty headscarves, the cashier at Vons who calls me beautiful and hugs me every time she sees me.  

I see you all. And I feel all the love.

We move again this summer, and it’ll be the hardest move yet. Not because I end radiation five days before we plan to go. Not because all my doctors want to see me in those final days. But because I broke my rule. I ditched the sign. The roots are deep. I got too close.

The emotions are truly a rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel so much anger toward breast cancer and how it’s changed me. But I’m not blind to the positivity happening in my life.

So thank you all for this outpouring of love and support.   

It turns out there’s no such thing as too close.