You Can’t Do That

Last night, after a frustrating day, I thought, you know what I need? I need to go to one of those places where you can scream and shatter old household items with a baseball bat. Mind you, I’ve only ever seen these venues on The Real Housewives of wherever, so I don’t even know if they really exist. Maybe I’ll just smash my own old junk…

The worst part was my next thought: You can’t do that.

Maybe a punching bag? You can’t do that.

I’m surrounded by things I can’t do.

First, why did I have a frustrating day? Because I feel like I’m in that Paula Abdul music video taking two steps forward and one step back…or maybe I’m taking one step forward and two steps back. Depends on the day I guess.

I was at a point where I wasn't in pain anymore, just discomfort. But, now I’m back to pain.

Why?

The procedure I had done was a large lumpectomy/partial mastectomy. My surgeon removed three larger masses, which she later told me were surrounded by tiny ones not detected in imaging. The area removed was around 7 cm. This is too large for her to just move tissue around, which is why I had a plastic surgeon as well. He used a flap of my own tissue from my upper abdomen to fill in the space, reattaching blood vessels, etc. to make me look as normal as possible. I will likely have at least one more cosmetic procedure sometime 6+ months after radiation.

So, the pain was intense around my incisions, especially where the flap was used. Then it got better. But now, the nerves are waking back up, some of the numbness is going away, which leads to increased pain and discomfort.

So, in the words of Daniel Powter, I had a bad day.

Even if I were feeling fine, I’m on strict restrictions as far as what I can and cannot do. Doctor’s orders. I can’t lift over 5 lbs. for at least 6 weeks. I have to watch any pushing/pulling motion. 

So, I spend my days feeling like I’m surrounded by things I can’t do. 

I thought you spent your days watching Hallmark Christmas movies? Well, yes. But also, surrounded by things I can’t do.

I can’t workout like I used to. I can fold laundry, but I can’t carry the laundry basket. I can walk my son to school, but I can’t stay to work. I can go grocery shopping, but to get things in the car and then into the house, I have to take apart the nicely puzzled packing job so each bag is light enough for me to lift and carry. Sorry to all the people waiting with their blinker on for me to vacate my parking spot at Trader Joe’s.

I’m trying to focus on the positive, but yesterday, I just couldn’t.

So, my bad attitude and I went to bed early.

But, today is a new day. I can have a better attitude. I can ignore the pain. I can live life.

Sometimes it feels like this unwanted journey wants to extinguish my light.

But lose my positivity?

You can’t do that.